Note the song title "love cry" (by four tet), press play, let it sink in, & read on.
His head feels light today..feels empty.
Don't give Joshua too much time on his own or Joshua will think the world into a paper bag.
His knuckles whiten as he tightens the grip on the banister bars and his head sinks deeper towards his chest. He can't shake it today but he won't stop until he's battered enough to sleep again. Mechanically, he releases his grip and slowly gets up. He turns towards the bloodstained wall, though it's been hard to tell the blood from the paint for years now.. He's been at it so long that layer upon layer of his inner look more like an expensive piece of overwraught modern art.
He feels his forehead, wipes, and looks down at his hand. Not a drop. It's been six or seven years from the last time everything but his nose bled, but every now and then he feels as surprised as the very first time he noticed.
He sharply jerks his head upright and shakes it a few times.
"Come on, just do it, dick, you always delay, you always. fucking. delay."
He looks at the wall again, some 10m away, looks down for a second, takes a deep breath, looks up again, and starts running.
Now, he can't make it to full speed, there's not enough space, but it used to be enough to crack his skull and keep him dazed & confused for weeks. The one he went for earlier was poor, he wasn't giving it all..
Joshua hates that he's so halfhearted most of the time about most of the things.
This time he isn't holding back, or rather, he's focused and eager. Doesn't know why.
Just before his face hits the wall he laughs like a madman, his eyes widening with dumb anticipation.
The effects of Joshua's actions do not reach Joshua. Joshua is now fully numb.
Joshua wakes the next day, goes to work, comes back home,
stares at the screen,
stares at the wall,
and wakes up again.
Abandon, Joshua.
For full appreciaciation, reflect with the song on. Attain Four Tet's - There's love in you album and play in full quality.
Give this vid a look too.
